my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

he was i the navy for 23 years, shot down twice in Vietnam. had a pet lion. met my mom(cheated on his gf, lived right next door) making my sister, immediatly moved in and raised all of us as his own....that was when i was 4, 1993..

the navy benefit is only $300 and will take months to get...he wanted to be cremated, but i cant afford it and have no idea how im going to make that happen...i need to switch all the bills over to my name in order to keep a roof over my disabled mothers head, as well as my sisters...just happy that there isnt a mortgage....one less thing..

i am totally lost. i have never dealt with this...been a caregiver for my mother for years and lost all my friends in the process..my best friend died in may a year ago...sold my magnum to help his family.which is what i chose to do..but no im regretting it because i could have kept it and helped my father......my income will just barely cover all the monthly expenses, less food..luckly now i might qualify for food stamps...never thought that i would say that...

can anyone give me advice here on where to start? who to contact? is there any organization that can help with the cremation? the navy? the va?..he had no will. but at least we know what he wanted and all agree...

OT is usually filled with alot of crap. but honestly, i will take any advice from ANYBODY. i dont care.

im sorry for posting here... but my only online presence is here on mopedarmy, i have nowhere else to turn for help or advice. im sure somebody can point me in a direction..thank you all

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

I don't know how to help, but I'm sorry you lost your dad. It will be crushing when my dad goes; he's my best friend. Hang in there buddy.(edited)

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

It may be a good idea to consult a probate lawyer.

I know moneys tight so try to find local community programs in your area and contact them about pro bono lawyer services.

You'll probably have to pay for at least a consultation but a lawyer will be able to explain what your legally responsible for, how to navigate the VA, and possibly connect you to someone who can help.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Maybe contact his local DAV. They should know something.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

First of all, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss, I too will be a wreck when that time comes... Not sure if you belonged to a church of any kind, they may be able to point you in a direction? I would imagine the VA would be somewhere to start. I have never dealt with a funeral home, but I would imagine they have plans for this, maybe payments? Cremation is cheaper than full on burial...I bet they have a system in place, a lot more people are low on money than well off, not the first time they have heard this. There is an organization called the wounded warrior project...while I think they help with disabled vets, they may be of some help navigating the VA?

Your dad sounded like a really cool guy, the lion story was great! Please accept my condolences for his passing, take one step at a time, breathe, and things will fall into place. The probate lawyer sounds like a good idea if you can find a way.(edited)

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Brad William /

Its dark. But you need to rest assured, occasionally when you can, that time will make the pain bearable and you'll find yourself smiling at the good memories far more than buckling under the loss you know right now.

Its a cliche. So much so that those who've been there refrain from sharing it. But it needs repeating. You WILL be able to remember your dad, sooner than it seems possible right now, without pain.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Brad William /

Without knowing what religious/social/family expectations weigh on you I'd only venture to beware of any strangers bearing gifts. Funeral home directors, priests and pastors, unsolicited grief councellors, unsolicited financial advisors... 'ambulance chasers' all... For many of them you're just a mark right now.

Simple cremation according with, and fully respectful of, your father's wishes, is available local to you via Web search. A funeral home will charge you 3k to 6k just to walk in their door. Arrange it...paperwork , certificates, and notifications, yourself, for 1k and less hassle than an average tax return. Society, and funeral directors say shame on diy'ing this. Don't listen. Your dad would be proud I think.(edited)

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Brad William /

I have plenty of VA experience. They've gotten much better about this, but one of the ways they manage budget is to say NO... the first, second, and sometimes third time... to perfectly legitimate claims and inquiries. In their condition, it's hard to blame them. But they will reward persistence.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

^ What this man said, right now, grief stricken, you are a "mark" it is criminal, but people do what he said, make your own decisions, stop, THINK, take your time. You will come out ok, you are in my thoughts.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

I was pretty fucked up last night when I posted this...I got some sleep, ate for the first time in 2 days and was able to think..

I have a plan now..

Crematorium will do financing. We can cover the monthly bills. After I get some money together I'll pay a probate lawyer for an hour of his time...luckly there isn't any arguement about the house...so all we really need to do is switch it over..which I believe we can do at the courthouse...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

My best to you Aaron, you have to eat, take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone weak and fucked up, though I can see a relapse in my future when my parents pass, i'm not putting you down. I'm glad you have a plan. Stick with it. Take care of yourself.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Brad William /

Its a greying society. Ask and ask again about family, friends, friends of friends in retirement from legal practice who donate time/assistance to genuine needs. They're in your community and really happy to help, and still contribute. Mutual rewards.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Lol Stephen, I wasn't wasted. I was just in a bad way...fucked up was the wrong words to use.ha

Kinda wanted to smoke some weed though...not stupid enough to do that, I just got a job offer that's in an industrial environment...They don't look at stuff like that in a good way..

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Brad, yeah. I won't be anywhere near a funeral home...it was 15 grand for my best friends service last year...just the service!!

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

> Aaron Blair Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> I was pretty fucked up last night when I posted this...I got some sleep,

> ate for the first time in 2 days and was able to think..

>

> I have a plan now..

>

> Crematorium will do financing. We can cover the monthly bills. After I

> get some money together I'll pay a probate lawyer for an hour of his

> time...luckly there isn't any arguement about the house...so all we

> really need to do is switch it over..which I believe we can do at the

> courthouse...

>

> Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

Glad you worked it out,Aaron. `Work is the antidote to sorrow',so they say. Glad you're getting work.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

> Aaron Blair Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> Lol Stephen, I wasn't wasted. I was just in a bad way...fucked up was

> the wrong words to use.ha

>

> Kinda wanted to smoke some weed though...not stupid enough to do that, I

> just got a job offer that's in an industrial environment...They don't

> look at stuff like that in a good way..

you are right they don't, I work in a metal shop, we are subject to random testing, I think weed is ok I was thinking drunk, I had a very bad alcohol issue in my younger years, smoking some weed may have mellowed you out...but it would not have allowed you to think, which is what you did, my hat is off to you, as I said I could see a relapse in my future when my parents die...I hope not but....I know me too. I treasure my parents, they are my rock...I would be so much worse off without them, I have to be strong when they pass, but I don't trust me. but maybe. Weed is nowhere near as bad as booze can be, but you are better off clean and sober...I have been for yrs now, a bit bored, but better off. Kudos to you for being strong.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

yo, i lost my mom in '13. i wasn't ready for it and i was very emotional. the one and only thing that made me feel, well not "better," but put it in perspective.

everyone goes through this. it is your duty as "offspring" to watch your parents die. if you don't outlive your parents, you're in a sense, worthless. descendants must actually descend.

it's hard. take some time. get wasted. scream. cry. but accept it. live more extra good to honor your lost loved ones.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

did he have any war buddies? i would contact them for help.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

he would never tell us names mit...i know that war was rough, so i never pushed....when he was shot down the second time he was alone in north Vietnam for 4 weeks evading...i know that his pilot lived, but it was never something i felt comfortable asking about...i just listened when he opened up..

he was in the navy and never expected to be on the ground,,,i cant imagine...he had his first heart attack in 88'..the navy reassigned him to a navy hospital until he retired..i cant complain really, he was told he diddnt have much time back then, made it 30 more years until this one got him.

it is amazing the life he lived, even if i was 12 years younger(18) i cant imagine how i could ever catch up with his life experience..he was a private pilot, skydived, captained an ocean going boat, Surfed 50 foot waves, had a harley at 11 years old, dated a mousekateer, cut john wayne's lawn as a kid, lived next door to johnny carson, cleaned jimmy stewarts pool as a teen, spoke fluent mandarin but only while drunk!!, grew up in a cheap house on the bad side of town.....waterfront, Venice beach in Los angeles!

after his first enlistment was up his CO called him into his office and offered him $15,000 as a reenlistment bonus to stay in Vietnam...in 1971! his response ( No sir, Id rather suck donkey dicks on the corner for a nickle apiece than stay in this outfit)...

moved back to la and reinlisted 6 months later...LA was too boring..stayed until 91'

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Jimmy Cincinnati /

Im not 100% sure where to start but here is a question... Was he married to your mother? If not i doubt you will be able to transfer ownership of property over unless she had some sort of power of attorney or whomever in his family holds the power of the estate signs its over. Dont make payments on the property if your ultimately not going to keep it (well your mother or whomever gets to keep it).

Not sure if this is a route you want to go but a Gofundme page might help generate money to have him cremated or cover other expenses. Given his history i would venture to say you would get many supporters.

Sorry you lost your dad

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

Moped Lar (OFMC) /

You need to find his military form DD214 and contact the local VA office. They should be able to help you.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

I did this two years ago and you need to talk with probate lawyer right away also find all financial info, you never know what he could have hidden away.

Re: my dad just died, i need help. i dont know where to start...

kevin smellaflange /

i know a person in the same boat...keep it together...& in about a year things will be better...it doesn't happen over night...but step by step...cross off off one more thing every day...don't go into the old photos etc too much, it will slow you down every time...treat it as a job...one more crossed off, every day....

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