Change & Stability

This is sort of a question to the older folks. But, I’d like to hear any and all thoughts.

I love my wife and we have a good thing. But we constantly run into this problem and it’s getting old.

In my younger years, when we first got together, I was trying new things and seeking out new experiences. As most people do. We got along well during our adventurous times.

Now, I’m getting older and I’ve found out a lot about myself. I know what I like. I know what makes me comfortable. I’m not completely opposed to trying new things. But I don’t need my whole world turned upside down every couple months.

Wife, on the other hand, craves change. It’s what she lives for. If a month goes by without rearranging a room or buying some new appliance. New shoes for the kids. You know this kind of person. Anyways, she gets depressed and moody until the next big change comes and she can turn into manic mom and start shopping, planning, executing the next change.

I could let it go. But, the shit’s expensive and it always drags me in. She’ll hang the new soap dish in the bathroom and be like: “Okay, now you need to install the new vanity, sink and mirror.”

I want to play mopeds and read a book. Enjoy the things I have. Not satisfy every whim of hers like the construction manager of that Winchester lady.

So, I don’t want to be an asshole. But she thinks I am because I’ve started saying no.

Does this keep getting worse? Can I enjoy my contentment whilst married to someone that has none?

Help me moped army, you’re my only hope.

Re: Change & Stability

Does she have a career? If not, could she not get one where she is doing stuff, organising things, like a wedding planner or interior design? Basically gets to do it for others to keep her occupied and burns her out for when she comes home, to give you a break!

Re: Change & Stability

Re: Change & Stability

She has a job. She’s in school to start a career. But, I don’t want her burned out or projecting her interests.

I want her to be happy with our life. I used to blame the internet. She loves looking at Pinterest and such. The world bombards people with products and experiences. Leaves them feeling unfulfilled if they miss out on having, or doing, what others are.

I appreciate the idea of being a planner. But it would require “tooling up” for that job. So, $10,000 of party planning equipment would sit in totes in my basement. Get used a few times until the thrill is gone, and we’re right back to starting something else. I will ask what she thinks about that kind of work. It could be a good thing.

Usually, it’s the man in a marriage that does this shit. Buys a boat to fish and only goes out on the water twice. Or an Camper that goes on one road trip. An ATV, Trailer, Truck, rifle, camo gear for hunting that happens twice with no meat.

Come to think of it, maybe I should ask some old married women how they got their husbands to calm down and stop getting them in debt.

Re: Change & Stability

Can be a sign of mental illness, not always, but could be, Manic depression, it's a frustrating mess! ;) One way to stop that shit is to make her pay for things she wants, not out of the house fund if you both don't agree. I feel you, I could die with the way my furniture is right now. ;D Some people are just never happy, I don't know why, in my experience there are more women like this than men, but again just my experience. I pity people like that, they never get to just relax. Consider yourself fortunate that you at least, know contentment, I do too, and it is wonderful.

Re: Change & Stability

Have you introduced her to Mary Jane yet? ;)

Re: Change & Stability

^ lol, that would definitely help!

Re: Change & Stability

She knows Mary 😉

But they only meet a couple times a year. Recreational consumption of anything is fine with us. Self medicating isn’t. Especially since there’s a family history of addiction and abuse.

I’ve tried the argument to spend from her income only, but not everything is selfish. It’s stuff for the house, family, etc. We all can “benefit” but most of the time we’d rather have something else or save for something bigger and better.

I’ve said it, somewhat joking, that after the kids move out I’m building myself a garage apartment. She can have the main house to do whatever the heck she wants and my place with be a sanctuary of consistency. She agrees that could be fun but that we have to at least sleep in the same room, whichever place that may be.

That’s an odd solution but we are and odd couple. And we are dead set on not sacrificing who we are to appease someone else. Steel and gold are both wonderful metals for their own reasons. They make a terrible alloy.

Re: Change & Stability

Pushrod Fifty /

Sounds like a woman.

Re: Change & Stability

Jimmy Cincinnati /

Just an outsider looking it but it sounds like she needs a good hobby... or some more friends. Too much free time and she is craving something.

Id suggest you would have a great wife to flip houses with but that would only leave you doing the majority of repairs.

Can she spend time with my wife? She is the opposite... doesn't lift a finger for most house repairs or even genwral cleaning. i don't believe she has cut grass a day in her life.

Re: Change & Stability

> Pushrod Fifty Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> Sounds like a woman.

I'm not shure if we're still allowed to say that these days, but yes.

Re: Change & Stability

I agree she needs a hobby and friends. She has lots of hobbies and lots of friends. But they’re all as crazy as her. So they encourage each other to do stuff. They’ll go to IKEA together and all the husbands are stuck building shit we don’t need or want because the girls decided round dining tables are better than farmer style or whatever.

I have a fully furnished guest room. Complete with water kettle and some tea options.

She needs friends that are into Consistency. If she was into mopeds, god that would be awesome. I’d have 20 of them with all the most awesome aftermarket things a person could google and buy.

Re: Change & Stability

Blame advertising, if you fall for their crap everything is the next new thing, and you needed it yesterday! Only in America will a company tell you you can save money by buying something, people are weak minded, so it works. Doesn't say much for us does it...

Re: Change & Stability

> Papa _ Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> I have a fully furnished guest room. Complete with water kettle and some

> tea options.

As a British guy, this sounds like heaven!

Re: Change & Stability

It is heavenly. But we can’t afford this sort of luxury. I’ve just accepted being broke my whole life up to now. I have some bigger goals which have made it necessary to squirrel away money in a separate bank account. She knows about it and is happy that I’m doing it? Why she couldn’t just be happy to leave the cash alone in our shared account, is beyond me.

Like I said earlier, most guys I know have frugal wives that save for the future and it’s the dude trying to blow every paycheck on fun stuff. I guess it’s silly to think I’ll change her and I love her regardless.

Thanks for listening to my problems. If anyone has a similar situation and found a way to communicate a solution. I’d be thrilled to know.

Re: Change & Stability

> Bas Autowas Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> > Pushrod Fifty Wrote:

>

> > -------------------------------------------------------

>

> > Sounds like a woman.

>

> I'm not shure if we're still allowed to say that these days, but yes.

We can say it if we still have our balls, I say yes too.

Re: Change & Stability

> Papa _ Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> It is heavenly. But we can’t afford this sort of luxury. I’ve just

> accepted being broke my whole life up to now. I have some bigger goals

> which have made it necessary to squirrel away money in a separate bank

> account. She knows about it and is happy that I’m doing it? Why she

> couldn’t just be happy to leave the cash alone in our shared account, is

> beyond me.

>

> Like I said earlier, most guys I know have frugal wives that save for

> the future and it’s the dude trying to blow every paycheck on fun stuff.

> I guess it’s silly to think I’ll change her and I love her regardless.

>

> Thanks for listening to my problems. If anyone has a similar situation

> and found a way to communicate a solution. I’d be thrilled to know.

My friend, you are in a serious catch 22, you love her, (that's good) but she has fundamental differences from you, that's bad, for you. I have had the joy of being in love twice in my life, with wonderful women, the first one I would prob be married to and still with were we not 7 years apart in age, and just never quite in the same place in life at the same time, a real shame, but very real. Not fair to either of us. The second, also an amazing woman, but kind of like yours, always buying and everything must be new, that is just not me. It makes me sad as if I was rich and did not worry about money I would not care what she did, or bought, but I will never be rich like that, and I see myself as a disappointment to her, and to live with her would cause fighting and ruin "us". It sucks, I'm cool with old and used, and she wants new, it would tear us apart, I do not want to fight if I have a so, I want her on the same page as I. These facts have not diminished my love for her, but it keeps me at a distance, as I don't think I could keep up with her wants. I have lived alone for 19 yrs now, and it would be hard to change, unless I win the lottery, but then how do you know anyone cares for you beyond what you can do for them financially? I'm far from a perfect person, I don't expect perfection out of a woman, but to share my life she has to be on the same page as I, and sadly this dream come true, is not. I would give anything to change that, but who 'am I to tell anyone what they want? Tread lightly my friend, build that garage apt, but sleep next to her every night. My best to you both.

Re: Change & Stability

Stephen,

Thank you for sharing. That’s pretty rough. I’ve mentioned before on MA about my dad’s love for my mom. She was more than he could maintain and they split but he loved her until the day she died. My older sisters were mad at him for showing up in the hospital when she passed. But he was there and crying real tears for the first love of his life that got away.

I also had a very good co-worker/friend that stayed single forever after his high maintenance wife went crazy and got violent toward him. He still loves her. But cannot be with her.

There’s a part of being human that transcends our physical form. Sometimes we make a connection with a person at that level and fall in love. But, the habits and drives of the physical body don’t always match. That emotional, spiritual connection is an absolute need IMO and I am extremely lucky to have found someone.

I suppose, as we get older, we will just have to be flexible about how to work around our differences. Sounds obvious just saying it. The execution is gonna be something else.

She does hate mopeds though and won’t ride one to save her life. Maybe I should just dump her. 🤔

Re: Change & Stability

- Turn off router for a week and unplug modem from wall.

- Wife spontaneously combusts, get a new one.

- Plug modem back in, turn on router.

Re: Change & Stability

Well, you said "older ones" so that's me, I guess. My advice is there's nothing she's doing to you or you're doing to her that ISN'T addressed in the Bible.

Study proverbs first (a modern English version), with her, and believe it.

More wisdom in that one book alone than all the p-sychiatrists have ever known.

It can save a marriage if both apply that counsel.

Re: Change & Stability

Don,

I appreciate the advise. I don’t know if you caught it, or remembered it, but we used to be heavily involved in church. I was a trustee at a FWB church, right there in southern Ohio.

We grew to an understanding that, while there IS a ton of good philosophy and teaching in the Bible, there’s tons of absolutely wrong made up stuff that cannot be reconciled.

The Bible absolutely demands that women take a subordinate position to men and the old lady and I do not believe that is correct. We think it’s silly to say men and women are equal. They are definitely unique to one another and our differences deserve being noticed and celebrated. We do have the right to be equally respected and that makes any Biblical basis for our relationship not feasible.

Of course, it’s easy to have a peaceful marriage if one partner submits to the other. Some people are perfectly happy being in that position, letting someone lead while they follow. That’s not our jam though.

I’m actually starting a course of study with the end goal of being a clinical psychologist. I have attended different types of counseling and training for counseling. There is much to be learned and improved by studying our mental processes. I’ve seen it for myself and it is more real and productive than anything I encountered in a church. And believe me, I put everything I had into that for 15 years of my life.

We had a very productive day today by learning our “leadership voice” by taking the 5 voices assessment. I am a Guardian/Nurturer and she is a Connector. The stuff was spot on and it will provide us with tools to communicate with each other more effectively and stop clashing on issues. If she loves planning and executing and I love dreaming and designing, it should be possible for me to communicate my goals to her and enlist her natural energy to accomplish my goals as well.

It’s a work in progress.

Re: Change & Stability

> Potr zebie Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> - Turn off router for a week and unplug modem from wall.

>

> - Wife spontaneously combusts, get a new one.

>

> - Plug modem back in, turn on router.

Lol!

Re: Change & Stability

> Papa _ Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> Stephen,

>

> Thank you for sharing. That’s pretty rough. I’ve mentioned before on MA

> about my dad’s love for my mom. She was more than he could maintain and

> they split but he loved her until the day she died. My older sisters

> were mad at him for showing up in the hospital when she passed. But he

> was there and crying real tears for the first love of his life that got

> away.

>

> I also had a very good co-worker/friend that stayed single forever after

> his high maintenance wife went crazy and got violent toward him. He

> still loves her. But cannot be with her.

>

> There’s a part of being human that transcends our physical form.

> Sometimes we make a connection with a person at that level and fall in

> love. But, the habits and drives of the physical body don’t always

> match. That emotional, spiritual connection is an absolute need IMO and

> I am extremely lucky to have found someone.

>

> I suppose, as we get older, we will just have to be flexible about how

> to work around our differences. Sounds obvious just saying it. The

> execution is gonna be something else.

>

> She does hate mopeds though and won’t ride one to save her life. Maybe I

> should just dump her. 🤔

Nah, don't dump her, you have made it this far. :) It was sad things did not work as I had hoped, but I'm grateful I got to experience what it feels like to care like that. At least trying to force a square peg into a round hole did not make us hate each other. I will never understand some peoples need for new and expensive, anymore than they can understand why I care not a whit for such things.

Re: Change & Stability

Well, it's a long way for a Bible doubter to get equal to Proverbs 31st chapter. My wife is accepting the Bible's counsel there.

The woman in Proverbs 31 has many responsibilities, and she is happy to fulfill them.

Re: Change & Stability

Fuck off you misogynistic asshole.

Re: Change & Stability

man, don never fails to remind of only the worst parts of the bible.

I hope a donkey beats the shit out of you because bible said so. maybe you could get your dickskin cutoff and then you get stoned. Or a bear could maul you for being unnecessarily rude, or a king could shit all over you to death. im not wishing harm per se, just wishing a nice bible-loving biblical event to remind you to fuck right off

Re: Change & Stability

> Born to be WillD Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> man, don never fails to remind of only the worst parts of the bible.

>

> I hope a donkey beats the shit out of you because bible said so. maybe

> you could get your dickskin cutoff and then you get stoned. Or a bear

> could maul you for being unnecessarily rude, or a king could shit all

> over you to death. im not wishing harm per se, just wishing a nice

> bible-loving biblical event to remind you to fuck right off

Disrespecting God's prophet brought out the she-bear. LOL!

Re: Change & Stability

Fuck off you disgusting piece of shit.

Re: Change & Stability

Don,

I’ll put it this way.

For thousands of years, since Jesus died, Christians have been matching the secular culture around them. Always a step behind (so they don’t look as sinful) but doing the same things as everyone else.

Jesus told his followers to forsake everything, trust only in God to provide their needs and go preach the word.

God doesn’t change, the Bible doesn’t change. But, Christians have changed. They look exactly the same as everyone around them. Because NONE of them actually believe in God. They know they have to work normal jobs, they enjoy modern healthcare, they participate in the economy and all the nonsense that the secular world does. Just a slightly different shade.

The Christians of 1000 years ago would stone you to death or burn you at the stake for all your vehicles and mopeds and vacationing in Florida. “How dare you take the Lord’s resources for such extravagant selfish pleasure?”

You aren’t afraid that your aren’t living the exact life that Jesus told you to. Because, deep down inside, you know there is NO consequence to resisting the instructions of the Bible. Because it isn’t real. And NOBODY else is either.

Religion, ALL RELIGION, is just some horrible human coping mechanism for dealing with the anxiety of the unknown and unexplained. The delusions are destructive (historically, not just my opinion) and need to be put in check before it ruins any possibility of a peaceful future.

I’m pretty certain the only reason anyone goes to church is to get them mansions in glory. Walk on the golden streets. It’s pure selfishness at its finest. That’s why church parking lots are full of brand new luxury cars while folks live in squalor around them.

Modern Americans live better than the royalty of Jesus’s time. You’re fooling yourself, hard, if you think anything else. You ARE the rich man trying to fit through the eye of a needle. The hypocrisy is obvious to absolutely everyone except Christians. I’m not just calling you out. But every single person that hasn’t sold everything they have to take up their cross and walk. Trust God to lead them to a hospitable home that will take them in and feed them while they preach to the family and heal their cancer with prayer before walking to the next good work.

Nobody does that. The people that do are considered crazy. Probably because they are.

I care about you. I’m not trying to be mean. Just, step back and assess how very lukewarm everything about Christianity nowadays really is and what that says about the reality of the faith of its believers.

I didn’t want to lie to myself, and the people around me, anymore. You shouldn’t either.

Re: Change & Stability

Didn't you read in the Bible that the ANTICHRIST was already starting in the apostles time after Jesus death? You want me to quote that to you?

99% of the World's so-called Christian religions were taken over by the AntiChrist.

You are responsible to search out true religion. I John 4:3 and I John 2:18

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